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53 REALLY GOOD BLONDE JOKES!!!
1.Q:What do you call two blondes
in the front seat of a car?
2.Q:Why do blondes have
see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they are on the subway, they can tell if they are going to work or coming home.
3.Q:What do you call a blonde with
half of a brain cell?
4.Q:How do blonde brain cells die?
5.Q:What do you call a blonde with
two brain cells?
6.Q:What do blondes call brown
A: Artifical Intelligence.
7.Q:Why aren't blondes good cattle
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together.
8.Q:What did the blonde's right
leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing, they have never meet.
9.Q:Why do blondes wash their hair
in the sink?
A: Because that's where you wash vegetables.
10.Q:When does a brunette have 1/2
A: After a dye job.
11.Q:Why do blondes wear their
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
12.Q:Why is it good to have a
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
13.Q:What was the blonde psychic's
A: An IN-body experience.
14.Q:How do you make a blonde's
eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
15.Q:Why shouldn't blondes have
A: Because it takes too long to re-train them.
16.Q:What is the difference
between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
17.Q:Why do blondes wear shoulder
A:(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
18.Q:Why don't blondes eat jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
19.Q:Why do blondes wear big hoop
A: To put their feet through!
20.Q:Why do blondes wear green
A: Because red means stop!
21.Q: What's the mating call of a
A:"I am soooo drunk!"
22.Q:What is the mating call of an
A: (Screaming) "I said: I am soooo drunk!"
23.Q:How did the blonde die ice
A: She was ran over by the zambonis machine.
24.Q: What's a brunette's mating
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
25.Q:Why do blondes drive BMW's?
A: Because that's the only car they can spell.
26.Q:Why do blondes have TGIF on
A: Toes Go In First
27.Q:Why do blondes wear TGIF on
A: Tits Go In Front
28.Q:What do you call a brunette
with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
29.Q:What do you call a blonde in
between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
30.Q:How do you change a blonde's
A: Buy her another beer.
31.Q: What's the first thing a
blonde does in the morning?
A: Walks home.
32.Q:Why is a blonde like a
A: Because everyone gets a turn.
33.Q:What is it called when a
blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
34.Q:How can you tell which blonde
is the waitress?
A: She's the one with a tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil?
35.Q:What did the blonde say to
the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)
A: D-ee-bee (sounding it out)...that's cute. What did you name the other one?
36.Q:Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.
37.Q: What's a blonde's favorite
A:"Daaaady, I want more moneeey!"
38.Q:What do you call a basement
full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
39.Q:Why does NASA do research on
a blonde's head?
A: They are researching black holes.
40.Q:What does a blonde say after
she has given birth?
A: Are you sure it's mine?
41.Q:What do you call 10 blondes
standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
42.Q:What do you call 15 blondes
in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
44.Q: Why did the blonde climb the
A: Too see what was on the other side.
45.Q:What do you do when a blonde
throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
46.Q:Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
47.Q:Why did the blonde have a
A: Because her boyfriend was also a blonde.
48.Q:(A physic's question!!!!) A
blonde and brunette are thrown off a top a building. Who hits the
A: The brunette. A blonde has to ask for directions on the way down.
49.Q:What happens when a blonde
gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
50.Q:Whats the difference between
a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to a friend.
51.Q:What does a blonde and a
bowling ball have in common?
A: They will both end up in the gutter.
52.Q:How do you kill a blonde?
A: Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
53.Q:What do you call 2 blondes in
A: Frosted flakes
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
The Blonde at the Soda Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that THAT was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin>didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabama boy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion. The Mississippi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs to finish counting on his other hand.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot 3 times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital and was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "Oh! You are going to have triplets! They are fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry, though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes by the woman has 3 children, 2 girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very wierd thing!" Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears in her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "let me guess. You passes a bullet in the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?", she asks. "No. I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Whales in the Ocean
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out ofour air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up beforethey reach the shore."
At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to followhim. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Parrots With A Problem
A lady goes to the church and tells the priest, "Father, I have aproblem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thingand that is:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to read the bible and pray all day long. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" says the woman and the next day, she brings her female parrots tothe priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the femaleparrots says,
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots turns to the other and says, "We can throw away our bibles,our prayers have been answered!"
Best joke on this page!!!
Timbuktu and the Aggie!
The finals of the National Poetry Contest this year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family = well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalistwas a redneck Aggie from Texas A&M. The rules of the contest required that each finalist compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination --- Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that??? The clock started again, and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
Tim and me a-huntin' went
Met some whores in a pop-up tent
They wuz three, we wuz two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Lady in a robe.
This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited.
He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.
He gets to her house. Knocks on her door. She answers the door in her bathrobe, and he kicks her in the face.
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to I 00 without any mistakes.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made R to S or T, but Johnny ratued off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
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