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These jokes were added in June, 1999.
These were jokes from forwards that were sent to me, via e-mail. I hope you like them.
A Few Quick Ones!!!
How do crazy people go through the
---- They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
---- Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
---- Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
---- Association of Noteworthy Dyslexics.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
---- A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
---- Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
---- Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
---- Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
---- Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
---- A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
---- A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
---- Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
---- Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
---- They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
---- They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
---- Because they have big fingers
What is a zebra?
---- 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
---- A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
---- They're hiring.
Section Champion of Laughs!!!
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
~ FUNNY PICKUP LINES ~
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
3. Nice shoes, wanna F*&@?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. F@#$ me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? F#$% me and I'll tell you.
15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt's chaffing me.....
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free.... they lied( but I do accept American Express)
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!
33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.
35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May
the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear... "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and a cousin"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN (excluding mother) AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK
---- She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE
---- She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB
---- She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL.
She is not a BAD COOK
---- She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED
---- She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY
---- She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED
---- She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED
---- She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT
---- She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER
---- She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY
---- She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT
---- She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB
---- She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY
---- She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE
---- She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS
---- She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND
---- She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME
---- She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED
---- She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY
---- She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY
---- She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING
---- She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD
---- She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
---- She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY
---- She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID
---- She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY
---- She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
---- She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
---- She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU
---- She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT
---- She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE
---- She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS
---- She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE
---- She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
Another Blond Joke:
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
The Rules that Guys wish women knew!
1. If you think you're fat, you
probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, were not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and NO are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 years is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
20. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done... not both
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
125 Things Never To Say During Sex
1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day).
71) is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments).
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
Top Ten Sexually Explicit Lines From Star Wars
10. "Get in there you big
furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the servicestarts, the towns people sit in their pews and talk about their lives,their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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