These jokes were added on July 25, 1999. I got
many of these jokes from forwards that were sent to me, via e-mail.
I hope you like them.
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
The accountant replies, "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
The woman answers, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the nightwith her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send acheck for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!
He paid the $500 RENT.
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge." I bet it is as big as the gas grill." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about some lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Well, the blondes finally got together and go back at the brunettes. Here's their revenge:
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
Who makes bras for brunettes?
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
COMING SOON TO A BUMPER NEAR YOU
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like theIRS..
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Don't hit your head on the desk.
Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered a position
A: Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"
Q: What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
A: Kneel to the Chief.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores
on President's day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in
A: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest
A: To get some dick in the White House, we just voted.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the white house, the other is a chocolate lab.
Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A: This time we know who deep throat is.
Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A: A small weenie in hot water.
Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew:
A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.
Q: What did Monica say when she finally met Hillary?
A: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your husband down.
Q: What do Monica and Alaska have in common?
A: The Ididarod.
Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws in-terns
Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard
Nixon,and Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common?
A: Disney has a movie called the Lion King, while Bill Clinton is the Lying King.
SECTIONAL CHAMPION OF LAUGHS!!!
How to write a paper (the college way)
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help youconcentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understandit.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourthgrade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11.. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor it's special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: (a) Pro Bowlers Tour (b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let himin.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a
drive by 90%.............................................wedding cake!
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The Kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Life is sexually transmitted
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
If men ruled the world...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. Knocks on her door. She answers the door in her bathrobe, and he kicks her in the face.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this-When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,which feels better-your ear or your finger?
Noticing that her boss' fly was open, the embarrassed secretary told him, "Your garage door is open. "The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant at first until she pointed. He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my super deluxe Cadillac. "Nope." she replied. "Just an old pinkVolkswagen with 2 flat tires.
Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?" Mable answered,"Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
National Condom Week
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON
Only in America... are there handicap parking places infront of a skating rink.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning blood-sucking creatures!
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